


Good To Me

by inarizakillme, moonstarkeiji



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, sakusa snot debut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:53:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27300757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inarizakillme/pseuds/inarizakillme, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonstarkeiji/pseuds/moonstarkeiji
Summary: only know you've been high when you're feeling low,only hate the road when you're missing home
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 17
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	Good To Me

**Author's Note:**

> Day 5: realisation // "did you ever love me?" 

The chilly morning breeze flows into the room, softly moving Sakusa’s white, semi-transparent curtains. Practice is canceled, so he decided to stay in instead, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram on his phone while laying on the couch. He watches the stories of his friends; Ushiwaka happily, in his own definition, showing his basket of carrots, Bokuto walking his dogs with his boyfriend, Yaku having breakfast with his family and others who he didn’t bother to care about as much.

He looks at pictures, liking several that he thinks is interesting enough for a double tap. Scroll, more Bokuto with dogs. Scroll, Kageyama’s new running shoes. Oh, those are good shoes. Double tap. Scroll, his sister posing with her classmates. Scroll, stop.

An advertisement with Miya Atsumu.

He stares at the picture for a while, noticing how his now vanilla blonde hair is styled differently. His usual smug grin plastered on his face like he has no problems in the world suits the colourful writing next to him, _Shiseido Sea Breeze._ It’s impressive that Atsumu finally managed to sign a contract with the company, as he remembers it being a long-time dream of his. 

_“Don’t laugh, omi-omi! I really like this deodorant okay! It’d be pretty cool if they took me as their model, I’d match their whole vibe perfectly.”_

It did, he blends well. An obnoxious, animated human being with equally striking bottles of deo. A match made in heaven. He taps the search button, typing in Atsumu’s instagram handle that he has memorized by heart from the amount of times he typed it, and presses the top verified account. Greeted with pictures after pictures of him, he smiles. Sakusa cocks an eyebrow, 3 new ones, posted 30 minutes ago. Tapping the latest video, he meets with an ever smiling face of Atsumu with his brother infront of onigiri Miya.

 _“Onigiri Miya now has a new menu! And my personal favourite, Tarako!”  
“It’s mentaiko, ya idiot.”_ A voice he’s sure it’s his twin brother.  
_“Huh? I thought ya said ya added tarako!”  
“I’ve had it on the menu for months already!”  
“Ok whatever, come to Onigiri Miya to get ‘em!”_

The video ends, Sakusa laughing lightly at this video which he thinks is pretty stupid and has no purpose to be posted on the account. He could've just easily posted this on stories instead. This idiot, he thinks. But, he’s no longer his idiot.

_“But omi-kun~! Amusement parks are where all the joy and magic happens!” Atsumu whined, paying the man at the stall for a balloon and cotton candy. Sakusa wrinkled his nose at the giant ball of diabetes in Atsumu’s hand._

_“If your joy and magic consists of crying children, long-waiting lines and vomit, then I’d rather die.”_

_Sakusa and Atsumu are at an amusement park, to which Sakusa opposed for days that Atsumu persisted that he should go with him. Now he’s here, he hates it even more. It’s terribly humid, he could hear kids crying over spilled ice-cream and he hates the way it makes his mask collect the hot air from his breath._

_“Impressive choice for death, Omi, but I don’t care. I’m gonna make ya like it no matter what! Also, look, I got us matchin’ headbands!” Atsumu holds up a repulsive neon pink headband of what looks like a horrible design from the park’s mascot, an equally awful one on his head._

_“God, just swallow me up right now.” Atsumu laughs, and holds up the headband trying to put it on him, but Sakusa holds Atsumu’s wrist tightly, preventing him from moving any nearer._

_“Omi! Just wear it!”_

_“No!”_

_They struggled for a minute, oblivious to the families passing by watching them confusingly. As Atsumu’s grip on the headband loosened, he accidentally released his grasp on the thin thread of his balloon._

_“Ah, my balloon!”_

_They both looked up at the balloon, knowing there’s no way they could get it back. Sakusa felt guilty, he knows how Atsumu’s childlike infatuation over balloons are, and mentally prepared himself to be scolded by him. But when he turns to Atsumu, he sees him putting both his palms together as if he’s praying._

_“What are you doing?”_

_Atsumu, eyes still closed, “Makin’ a wish.”_

_“On a balloon?”_

_He opens his eyes, face baffled as if he heard Sakusa saying the most foolish thing he’s ever heard._

_“Have ya never heard of makin’ a wish on objects that fly up into the sky?” Sakusa rolls his eyes. “And when it reaches there, your wish is heard in the heavens?”_

_“Sounds like what a 4 year old would believe in.” Sakusa looks up, the balloon still in view._

_“Well, I’ve no idea if it works or not, but I’d like to think it does.”_

_In usual circumstances, he has no interest in the mystical, or any hocus pocus related nonsense. But he’d like to think it’s the heat that’s getting to his head that rewired his brain. He’s sure of it._

_“So? What did you wish for?” he asks. He turned to look at the latter’s face, his eyes wide greeted with a dazzling smile that would melt any hearts upon sight._

_“I wish that my love for you will never falter, and that we’d be together forever, Omi-omi.”_

The ringtone blasting from his phone jolts him from his thoughts, almost dropping his phone in response. He gathered himself, sighing when his cousin’s name popped on the caller id. He hesitates to pick it up, already thinking of the many possibilities of annoying plans his cousins wants to do with him.

“Hello.”

_“Kiyoomi-kun! Took you awhile to pick up your phone.”_

“Because I didn’t want to.” The bursting sound of Komori’s laughter hurts his ears.

 _“Welp, tough luck. I’m actually around your area now, with Sunarin. Thought of inviting you out for lunch if you’re free. Heard the Jackals aren’t practicing today.”_ Sometimes, if not most of the time, Sakusa hates social media. Komori isn’t close to anyone from the Black Jackals, but he knows it’s probably Bokuto’s stupid story of him walking his dogs or Hinata’s picture of his ‘day-off’ breakfast that gave it away.

He wants to enjoy his day off at home in peace and quiet, maybe a cup of coffee and watching that movie he’s set aside for a while, but somehow today, his head is filled with thoughts of a particular man that he’d rather have erased. Sakusa knows himself very well; the more silent the place is, the louder his brain would be. Maybe an outing with his cousin would be a good distraction, he hasn’t hung out with him in a while. And he doesn’t hate Suna, he knows him well enough through volleyball and Osamu-san.

 _“Kiyoomi-kun?”_ The sound from the other line reminded him that he’s still on the phone. He promptly agrees, and arranges to meet at a local restaurant. He places the phone down, sighing. This should be okay, he thinks. He gets up, and gets ready to go out.

It takes about 20 minutes from his place to the restaurant by train but he’s an hour early when he shuts the door from his house. He’s ahead of time, but that’s just how he is; dislikes being waited on, hates waiting even more. But most of all, he loves the walk from his apartment to the train station. The area he lives in is almost perfect to his ideals; quiet, away from the bustling crowded city, and filled with trees. Sakusa loves it. And a certain man used to love it as much as he does.

_“It really suits yer personality, don’t cha think? Quiet, brooding, lookin’ like he’s gonna attempt murder any second. Ow! Omi-kun I’m jokin’!”_

“Kiyoomi-kun!”

Komori waves, walking towards him, big smiles and all. No wonder people had a hard time believing they were cousins, and a closely related one too. Suna smiles besides him, giving a small wave as well and the three of them enter the restaurant.

As they get seated, Komori promptly picks up the menu card, scanning through the abundance of choices of ramen they have. Suna follows suit, the both of them discussing the options.

“Everything looks so damn good though.” Suna says. 

“Yeah, I can’t choose. What do you recommend, cuz?” Komori turns the menu towards Sakusa. Sakusa points out the ramen for them, careful not to touch the card.

“Take the spicy Hakata ramen, they’re good if you like spicy food. Or the Wakayama ramen or udon if you don’t. The rest are mediocre.” Sakusa calls for the waiter, not noticing the way his cousin’s cocking his head to the side, looking at him confusingly.

“How’d you know the spicy one’s good though, I thought you hated spicy food?”

Sakusa pauses, ah, Atsumu loves spicy food, and they used to come here all the time.

_“Really, Omi-omi! Ya gotta try it, I swear on my grandma’s grave, it’s the best spicy ramen I’ve ever tasted in my life!”_

“Reviews.” That was a pretty shitty attempt at an excuse, but enough for Komori and Suna to believe it. He mindlessly chose this place, a place where it seemed familiar, a bittersweet memory. Their food arrives, and true enough, Komori and Suna loved the spicy ramen. The three of them eat silently, enjoying the steamy noodles while it’s hot. 

“Sakusa-san, how are the Jackals with the new coach?” Suna asks, opening his phone. They recently changed to a new coach, the previous one retiring after years in the field. Sakusa answers briefly, still slurping his ramen broth.

“He’s okay, Hinata and Bokuto love him.”

“Ah, I heard about it, something about he’s a friend of Fukurodani’s coach’s old friend. I can’t imagine the chaos in the team.” Komori laughs, he knows just how much the Black Jackals are with their energy.

“Motoya-san’s right. Look.” Suna shows his phone screen to them, showing a picture from Instagram. They talk about it for a while, Suna still surprised at how he saw Fukurodani’s coach usually chest bumping Bokuto back then. They reminisce about their high school days, mostly the intense matches between their rivalry. Suna is still on his phone, chatting while searching for old videos and photos of them.

“Man, those were fun times. Oh by the way, have you seen Atsumu’s new deodorant advertisement yet?” 

Sakusa’s spoon pauses midway to his mouth, Komori’s eyes are blown wide, and there was nothing subtle about the way his cousin tried to elbow Suna from the sides. Realising what he did, Suna bows a little, face contorted into guilt. “Oh, shit, sorry. Didn’t mean to mention his name to you, Sakusa-san.” 

Slowly placing down the spoon, he appreciated how his cousin still tries to protect him from others talking about Atsumu to him, he really does. But, he only manages to give a small smile to the two pairs of eyes that look at him with a mix of fear and pity.

“It’s okay guys, it’s been a year anyway.”

_The air around them was thick, the heavy rain outside splattering onto the windows was the only sound Atsumu could hear aside from his trembling heart. His hands were shaking, he hoped to god what he heard wasn’t true._

_“Omi, you…. Do ya mean that?”_

_Sakusa wasn’t looking at him, he refused to. “Yes, Atsumu, I mean it.”_

_No, he didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean to say that Atsumu wasn’t enough, he was, he always had been more than Sakusa deserved. But at that moment, he was angry, he was annoyed and on top of it all, his ego was at an all time high._

_This fight wasn’t even necessary to begin with; it was just the both of them being themselves. Hell, it wasn’t even a big deal. But the toll of intense, constant practices and weighty pressure to get the top spot on the league hit them like a truck. They were tired, and it seemed it got the best of them._

_Atsumu drops his hands to his sides before he could get a hold on Sakusa’s arms. This is it, the final blow. He’d always thought the jokes of Sakusa calling him annoying and teasing him about ‘not being on his level’ were merely jokes, but he knows anger always brings out the truth, and he recognises how this was genuinely sincere coming out of him._

_He was never enough for Sakusa Kiyoomi._

_He lets out a painful laugh, trying to play it cool and does his best to hold back his tears. “I see how it is.”_

_Atsumu turns around and hurriedly dumps any of the his stuff that he could see into his bag, as quickly as he can before the tears pooling in his eyes could fall. He didn’t look at Sakusa, nor was Sakusa looking at him._

_He placed the spare keys Sakusa gave him on the table, mentally noting to take his other items in their shared apartment later. Right now, all he wanted was to get the hell out of here and be as far as he could from him. He walks past Sakusa, secretly hoping Sakusa would stop him, telling him to stay, apologise, whatever, anything to make him hold on to any last thread between them, but was disappointed. Atsumu halted right at the doorstep, he looked back one more time, looking at the figure he had given all his love to._

_“Sorry I was never enough, Omi-kun. Thought I could be the one to make ya happy, but, I apologise for wasting yer time.”_

_The door closed and Sakusa’s heart shattered._

The trio walks around the neighbourhood, then to a touristy part of the area to show Suna around as he’s never been here before. Suna mentions how he wants to try several snacks and food he heard of. Though he didn’t mention it, Sakusa knows all the things he listed are Atsumu’s favourite. He used to post about it in his stories daily, that’s probably how Suna found out about it.

God, he hates this.

He doesn’t hate being in the company of the two presently, no, he hates how everything around him right in this moment reminds him of Atsumu. The ice cream truck on his right where Atsumu once spilled the ice cream right off the cone, the arcade that Atsumu pestered and used 30,000 yen on geting the stupid pokemon doll, the coffee shop where Atsumu first held their hands at, every single thing about this place reminds him of the blonde fool and it’s annoying him.

After several hours of walking around, he finally heads home, taking a shower and hopping onto his bed with his laptop on his lap. A glance at the time and he’s relieved to know he’s not late. Every Tuesday, Atsumu’s hosts a reality show and Sakusa never misses it. It’s been a routine; on weekends he’d open their gameplay, on Mondays the sports page doing analytical debate on the volleyball team players, and every day opening any video to exist that has Atsumu in it.

No, he’s not stalking, he sincerely enjoys these kinds of things. It’s what he convinces himself, that is. 

_“Man, I wish I could have at least a scrap of what you have with Atsumu.”_

_Sakusa turned to Inunaki, wiping his hair with a towel after their vigorous training exercise. He cocked his eyebrow to him, and shrugged in response._

_Inunaki laughs. “You do know that all of us, except maybe Bokuto that lucky piece of shit, are pretty jealous of ya with Atsumu?”_

_“I don’t see the need to be jealous.”_

_“You’re kidding right? To have that kind of love given to ya at any time even when you’re not asking for it. Ah! The dream!” Sakusa rolled his eyes at his senpai’s gripping his chest dramatically, “You should be grateful man.”_

_Sakusa closed the door of his locker. He really doesn’t understand what’s there to be jealous about. He thought it was slightly irksome what Atsumu was doing; bringing him his water bottle, waiting when Sakusa wanted to do extra practices, giving his annoying encouragement and constant flirtings. He didn’t need that, and it annoyed him. What he wants is Atsumu to give him some space for fuck’s sake._

_“Sure.”_

And he regretted it. He wasn’t grateful, hell, he was an idiot. Everything Atsumu did, he did it out of love. He had so much love to give, pouring and pouring all that he had, but Sakusa shuts his lid off refusing to accept any. In fact, he wasn’t giving Atsumu any of his. God, why is he such an egotistical son of a bitch.

Now Sakusa can only watch the videos through his screen, because Atsumu stopped giving any affection immediately after their break up. He wasn’t cold to him at practice, he was professional, a true sportsman. But he no longer goes out of his way to pamper Sakusa. He still made jokes, being the normal clown that he is, but he doesn’t look at Sakusa with the same warmth and tenderness

He stares at the blonde through his screen and takes everything and sight of him in, because he knows if he looks at him too much during practice, he’s afraid his heart will betray him. He might do something stupid, adding another action of his that he’d regret for the rest of his life. He doesn’t want to play with Atsumu’s emotions, and he damn well knows he doesn’t deserve even a fraction of Atsumu’s affection after what he had done. Not after breaking his heart.

 _Ping!_  
A notification from his phone and clicks on it without a thought.

 **From: Hiroshi**  
>>> dude, have ya seen this???  
www.buzzedfeeder.com/cutevballmendaily9w576

Sakusa furrows his brows together, for a second he thought it’s spam, but it’s from a close friend and he figured it’s something worth seeing. He clicks on the link, and sees the big headline.

**“MSBY BJ’s Miya Atsumu Spotted with a New Lover!”**

He sees the paparazzi pictures, and his heart almost stops. Grainy shots of the unmistakable sweep of vanilla blonde hair, embracing someone under the shades of a tree. His shaky hands scrolls up against his will. Atsumu holding hands with this unfamiliar man, a slightly shorter person with gray hair in a cardigan, his face away from the camera. More pictures of Atsumu’s face, noticing the way he’s looking at this man with the same loving eyes once reserved only for him. As he reaches the final one, he drops his phone almost instinctively.

Atsumu, kissing on the sidewalk, both hands cupping this stranger’s face.

Sakusa wants to scream, he wants to punch a wall, he wants to feel something else aside from this pain. Instead, he just gapes at his phone, not moving an inch from his spot. He couldn’t understand why, this is what people do when they have moved on. But why is it that Sakusa feels like his whole world has been taken away from him?

As selfish as it sounds, he had hoped that Atsumu is as heartbroken and miserable as himself. He wished that he would come back running to his door, asking Sakusa for a second chance, he wishes Atsumu would tell him that being away from Sakusa only gives pain and darkness in his life. Something, anything, just for Sakusa to get to hold him again.

The smile Atsumu has on his face in the disgusting set of photos was brighter than light, beaming like a thousand suns. It’s tormenting, it’s stinging Sakusa in every inch of his flesh and bones, realising that the man he is truly, deeply in love with, the one he tore his heart to shreds, is happy without him. Those adoring eyes are now set to a stranger, no longer reserved for Sakusa.

No amount of loathing nor regretting the past can bring his sunshine back into his arms. It was him who was not good enough for Atsumu. He collapses into his bed excruciatingly slow, clutching his sides with his hand on his mouth trying to restrain the ugly sound of sobbing that’s pouring out involuntarily. He closes his eyes, not caring about the snot and tears pooling on his pillow. _He was good to me._

**Author's Note:**

> Funny how I thought Sakusa couldnt move on after a year was short and wanted to make it to 2 years instead xD - Bun  
> ~~~only know you love him when you let him goooo~~~ -hani
> 
> come cry over angst with us on twitter! [ hani's twitter ](https://twitter.com/moonstarkeiji) and [ bun's twitter ](https://twitter.com/inarizakillme)
> 
> drop us a follow if you'd like to because we'll be posting a new story every day for Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 :)
> 
> kudos and comments appreciated hehe


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